Yesterday I attended a court hearing with my former employer regarding my employment. I’m the one who called the hearing but I wasn’t sure I was going to go through with it. The thought of having to have yet another difficult conversation with my former employer caused me no small amount of stress!
It’s always stressful to have a difficult conversation- especially with someone who has some control and authority over your employment! During my employment I’d had several tough talks with my employer where I tried to share my concerns, clarify expectations, and improve my relationship with my supervisor. I’m sure you can guess these conversations didn’t result in a mutually beneficial result! So when it came to the hearing part of me wondered if it was worth having the conversation at all.
In the end I chose to move forward with the hearing and and have one more difficult conversation with my former employer. Why? Because I believe employers hold a privileged position and have the responsibility of providing safe and fair work environments. I believe in speaking up when I see someone in authority taking advantage of those they have authority over. I believe in communication that is thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, and kind.
Once I decided to go ahead with the hearing I gave some thought to what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. I examined my motives. I considered what I wanted to get out of the hearing. This process of reflection gave me purpose, peace, and helped me be clear about my actions.
I would love to tell you that I didn’t react emotionally during the hearing but that isn’t true. When I heard my former employer give grossly exaggerated and untrue testimony I got angry. Oh well, I’m only human. I did my best in a really challenging situation and overall I’m proud of myself for speaking up and acting with integrity.
I learned a lot from this experience and I want to share what I learned with you. (And myself for future difficult conversations!) Not all of these tips applied directly to the hearing, but I’ve found each one of these tips to be helpful in my previous conversations with my former employer. (And, let’s be honest, I wish this was how my former employer approached difficult conversations with me.)
Photo by dalvenjah
How to have a difficult conversation at work
01. Before you speak, THINK
My go-to method of preparing for difficult conversations is to T.H.I.N.K. it through. Is what I want to say Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind? If so, I know I’m on the right track.
02. Examine your motives
Why do I want to initiate this conversation? If my motive is to improve the situation then having a conversation may be appropriate. If my motive is to embarrass, shame, or one-up someone that I feel has wronged me then I need to stop and reconsider.
03. Consider your desired result
What result am I looking for? If I’m trying to change someone else’s behavior, the conversation probably won’t go so well. However, if I want to create a more positive relationship with true concern for another person then I just might have a chance. (Results not guaranteed!)
04. Ask questions
It’s easy to go into a difficult conversation loaded with assumptions and self-righteousness. (Ouch! That one’s hard to admit.) To avoid this approach, I start a difficult conversation by asking questions and challenging my assumptions.
05. Respond, don’t react
If someone says something that triggers an emotional reaction, this can change my motivation in the conversation. It’s important for me to pause and respond intelligently instead of reacting emotionally.
06. Take responsibility
All relationships and all conflicts are two-sided. What responsibility do I have in this situation? Did I do what I needed to do? What do I need to do differently?
07. Be specific
It’s always important to provide clear, direct, and specific examples in a difficult conversation. This includes specific examples of what went wrong as well as specific suggestions for resolution. If I’m not specific I may think I’m making my thoughts clear but the other person may be confused about what the problem really is and how to improve the situation.
08. Be open to resolution
If I go into a difficult conversation thinking I’m right, they’re wrong, it’s unlikely the conversation will end in a helpful resolution. I must be ready, willing, and able to resolve the situation to mutual benefit.