Disagreements happen. Especially during an election year!
It’s normal that conflict makes you uncomfortable. I would estimate at least 90% of the population would prefer their workday be completely tension-free. Maybe some challenges within the work itself, but as for interpersonal tension, most prefer ZERO.
However, in close quarters, toes are bound to get stepped on. Sometimes opinions get shared by accident, such as when you ask your new office mate if she’s heard about timeshares. “Oh, those things are all a scam!” And you were about to say how excited you are about your next timeshare trip. Oops.
And sometimes, opinions are shared with you to provoke you into a debate or possible conflict, such as “I hope you’re not voting for who I think you’re voting for.” This was actually said to me this week- out of the blue, while this friend was driving me to an event. Yikes- if I had taken the bait, I may have had to walk home!
Luckily, I carry 3 powerful Tension-Defusing Phrases in my back pocket at all times. If someone drops a bomb, I can often quickly snip the red wire and no one gets hurt. My mom is the ultimate tension-defuser, so these are a tribute to her.
3 Phrases to Stop Conflict Before It Happens
1. “Wow, you are really passionate about this!”
This one can be used at the first moment you realize someone has a point to prove. I like to say it with a smile to let the person know I am happy to see their strong emotion. I welcome it because emotion is authentic and real.
If you can follow up by asking why or how they became so passionate. Get them to tell you the story behind it. They will love sharing, appreciate you for listening, and you’ll often find connection where there almost was conflict.
2. “I see where you’re coming from.”
What a great phrase to use when you personally disagree with the conclusion they are drawing and you find they are not interested in hearing your side. (By the way, if someone has not explicitly asked for your opinion, they are probably not ready to consider its merits.)
If you can stay curious, you may start to hear the strongly held value behind what they are saying. Perhaps they are sharing a strong opinion about the break room fridge policy. You may be able to hear that they value fairness or cleanliness or autonomy. Sometimes, you may even be able to find common ground.
Seeing the value behind a belief may be enough to let them know you do see where they are coming from, even if you don’t share their idea of how to implement that value.
3. “I’d love to be wrong on this. / I truly hope you’re right.”
This is the one I used with my friend in the car the other day. He was ready to fight, and I knew that if we did, both of us would lose.
So, as he was beginning to convince me why his candidate would produce a better life for us all, I started to realize he was not open to any new info from me.
This difference in openness is what often creates the tension, by the way. In the conversation with my friend, we were not in our usual mutually-open role of friends. He had suddenly moved into “teacher” or “informer” without my agreement, like a dance partner switching from Salsa to Foxtrot without asking. It’s awkward!
Changing roles mid-conversation is more awkward for the person listening. It’s your job to decide what to do about it. I chose to keep tension low that day and just finish out the song dancing the Foxtrot.
In my situation I kept saying, “Man, I really hope you are right. If that person wins, I hope I am so wrong about this.” After about 6 or 7 phrases like that, I felt I had clearly stated that I did not agree, while completely validating that his vision of the world would be wonderful. And the rest of the drive was tension-free!
Now it’s your turn –
Which phrase is most helpful for the tension you want to reduce?
Can you put your own spin on them?
What phrase have you used to defuse tension?
Amanda’s passion is working with women who find themselves in higher levels of leadership than they planned – needing to speak, negotiate, or sell. She shares tools to help them stay in Joy & Authenticity as they lead. You can find out more at Everyday-Light.com.