I often ask new clients what they want from their career and most people find this question surprisingly difficult question to answer. Too often people do what they think they should do, or want what they think they should want. It’s uncommon to know what you actually, really, truly want, particularly when it comes to making decisions that affect other people.
Even when you allow yourself to want something, it’s far too easy to squash desire when you are confused, overwhelmed, discouraged, or afraid.
Desire is not a bad thing; it’s actually a good skill to master! From desire springs discernment, clarity, motivation, and action! But when you don’t know how to get what you want, or you’re afraid of being disappointed, you may abandon your desire. This is exactly the kind of situation that leads to doing unfulfilling work for too little pay.
I didn’t know what I wanted for years. I grew up deferring to the wants and needs of others, without much awareness of myself.
“Where do you want to go to lunch,” a friend might inquire.
“Wherever you want to go is fine with me,” I replied with feigned enthusiasm.
I thought being agreeable made me likable. I thought my lack of opinion proved I was easy-going.
It took effort to learn what I actually wanted- where I wanted to eat or what movie I wanted to see. As I began to know what I truly wanted I started to ask for it, first with friends and family and later with colleagues and, yes, even bosses!
Yesterday I facilitated a training session at a corporate client on the topic of giving feedback and communication in the workplace. At the beginning of the session I asked, “what do you want to learn today? What area of this topic do you most want to know about?”
I looked out at blank faces as the group shifted uncomfortably in their chairs.
“If you ask for what you want, you just might get it,” I encouraged.
A few hands hesitantly went up, then a few more, and a few after that. Finally we were engaged in a meaningful dialogue! Knowing the specific problems the group was facing around the topic allowed me to adapt my presentation to better meet their needs.
The topic of knowing and asking for what you want comes up with most of my career coaching clients. It’s one of the ways I help high-achieving professionals and business owners make more money, loving the work they do! Now I’m going to share a bit of this important work with you.
Know what you want
You can’t ask for what you want if you don’t know what you want. Tap into your desire. Start small, noticing the little things like where you want to eat, what movie you want to see, or how you actually want to spend your Saturday afternoon (do you really want to meet your friend for lunch or would you prefer to stay in and take a nap?).
Whether or not you decide to ask for what you want, at the very least know what you want!
Make small requests
As you begin to know what you want- ask for it! It’s easier to ask for little things that aren’t really all that important such as requesting to be seated in a booth when the hostess leads you to a table, or asking the hotel clerk to put you in a room at the end of the hall instead of the room by the elevator. Get comfortable making small, unimportant requests.
Set an intention
At the start of the day, set an intention. What do you want to get out of this day?
When you go into a meeting or networking event, set an intention. Maybe you want to walk away with one actionable tip, or maybe you want to make three new contacts in your industry.
When you set an intention you’re more likely to take the action that will get you the results you want.
Be open to how it shows up
You’re more likely to get what you want when you are open to how it shows up rather than holding on to a specific idea of how it will all work out.
Let’s say, for example, you want to a more flexible work schedule. You might approach your boss and ask about flexible scheduling and your boss might shoot you down. If you sit and stew in your disappointment, you may be so focused on your frustration that you don’t notice a job opportunity with flexible scheduling in another department or at another company because you only want it to happen one specific way.
Be open and curious how you can get what you want. How can this work out? How else? How else?
Say yes, say no
As you tune into your desire, make choices that support you. Don’t say yes because it’s what other people want. Don’t say yes because you don’t want to disappoint someone. Don’t disappoint yourself. Say yes or say no based on what you want.
Make big requests
Now you’re getting comfortable recognizing what you want and making small requests- start making big requests! Ask to be considered for an important project or opportunity. Ask for a raise.
You rarely get what you want if you don’t ask!
Go for it
When you know what you want, go for it. Stop waiting for the timing to work out. Stop waiting until you feel “ready”. Take a risk. Go after what you want!
Studies have shown women are less likely to go for what they want, particularly when it comes to career. Ladies, you’ve got as much skill, talent, and smarts as the guys. Know what you want and go out and get it!
Knowing what you want and following through on it will help you do more work you love, enjoy your work and life, and get paid! Give yourself permission to have the life you desire and don’t let anyone else talk you out of it! If this blog post isn’t enough to get you started, let’s talk.