One moment you’re conversing with someone you just met at a networking event and then it happens…
“I’d love to talk to you more about this over coffee,” he says, handing you a business card.
If you’re an introvert like me you cringe every time someone casually says, “Let’s grab a coffee!” I feign enthusiasm, hoping they won’t pin me down to a day and time. I feel trapped if they pulled out their calendar on the spot. Too many times I found myself at the dreaded coffee date sipping mediocre overpriced iced chai over awkward conversation.
Like the time I went out for coffee with a woman who spent 25 minutes trying to sell me skin care products without asking me a single question about my health and beauty goals. I had zero interest in the products she was selling. Too bad I didn’t save both of us the time by saying no to the meeting in the first place!
Like the time a man invited me for a coffee and after hearing about my business spent the rest of the meeting telling me how I could be better at my job.
Or the time a woman asked to meet for coffee to “pick my brain,” spending the entire meeting asking for free career coaching.
Thankfully those days are over! I no longer accept pointless coffee dates or requests to “pick your brain”. (You know what they say.. you can pick your acquaintances, and you can pick your brain, but you can’t pick your acquaintance’s brain. What? They don’t say that? Let’s make it a thing people say.)
The coffee date epidemic is a problem for introverts and extroverts alike; setting boundaries around your time isn’t just about whether or not you enjoy meeting new people or like the person asking. Assuming you’re doing epic and amazing stuff in your work and life, well, you’re going to have to turn down (more than) a few coffee dates to focus your time and energy to make progress on your goals. You may even have to turn down a lot of coffee dates!
I’m a big advocate for boundaries and learning to say no in the business world is an essential skill if you want to earn top dollar doing work you love. Without the ability to say no you unintentionally minimize your authority, credibility, and authority. When you value your time, other people value it, too. Setting boundaries and saying no in business situations and relationships is one way to value yourself and your time. Learning to say no to pointless coffee dates is a great place to start learning to say no! Here’s 6 strategies to decline pointless coffee dates.
01. Get more information
You don’t have to say no outright, sometimes it’s helpful to ask for more information to determine if the meeting might be necessary and valuable to both of you.
Is there a particular topic they want to discuss or specific question they want to ask? Do you have a quick resource guide you can refer them to on that topic instead of “grabbing a coffee”? Could the question be asked and answered in an email or a 15-minute phone call?
Take the meeting if you feel it will be valuable to both of you, however, if they are unclear about what they want to discuss, chances are the conversation will not be productive or helpful for either of you! If it turns out the person wants to meet to sell you something, just say no!
02. Make it a phone call
If you’ve determined the meeting will be valuable, consider changing it to a phone call. If you change the venue to a phone or zoom call, set a time limit on the meeting—15 to 30 minutes is often enough time to cover a specific topic or question.
03. Make it a lunch meeting
If the topic is valuable to both parties and requires a longer meeting, a lunch meeting might be preferred, assuming you were planning to take a lunch break anyway. A lunch meeting doesn’t have to mean shelling out big bucks at a fancy restaurant—you can pack a picnic lunch and meet at a park!
04. Schedule a walking meeting
Assuming you want to take the meeting, consider scheduling a walking meeting. Take your conversation for a walk—you’ve been meaning to get more exercise anyway, right? Another advantage of a walking meeting usually has a shorter time commitment as most people don’t want to take an hour out of their day for a walk (but they will give up an hour of their time for a coffee—crazy, right?!)
05. Make it billable
If the person asking for the meeting is really asking for free advice, offer to advise them for a fee. You might say, “I’m happy to help you with that. My hourly consulting rate is $100 per hour. Do you want to schedule an appointment?”
06. Just say no!
If the meeting is not valuable to you, just say no! If you don’t currently have the time, just say no! If you’ve got an important project or deadline looming, just say no! If you don’t want to take the meeting, just say no!
Saying no is easier said than done, but saying no to unnecessary or unwanted meetings is a low-risk situation to start. Getting good at how and when to say no in business takes practice and coffee dates is one place to start. The more you value yourself, the more other people will value you. As you get better at setting boundaries around your time and expertise you’ll be able to get more done, reach your big bold goals, and make more money!