I grew up as a total “yes person”.
Would I give you a ride home? Yes, of course.
Would I water your plants across town for 10 days? Why, yes I would.
Would I fill in at your camp counselor job with 45 wild kiddos eating candy in the hot sun so you can go to a baseball game with your new boyfriend?
Well…. ummmm…. (trying desperately to think of an excuse)…. uhhhh…… I guess so?
All of those things I have agreed to while not wanting to, and so many more. And some of the other False Yesses have had far greater consequences.
But even these smaller False Yesses can have huge impact on my life:
1. I always feel scattered and distracted when I am doing something I don’t actually want to be doing. Because half of my mind is off thinking “why am I doing this again?” And therefore even simple tasks (like watering a plant) can get done wrong or forgotten.
2. I often stop planning my day or week when I slip into reactive mode. That means I am not thinking ahead or able to be proactive. I am constantly running late, chasing fires, and apologizing for mistakes. It feels very powerless.
3. I have zero energy for creativity because I spent it all on the double-energy it takes to do something that is not mine to do. Then I feel like a robot going through the motions of life, instead of the Conscious-Creator-of-My-Life that I really am.
Oops!
Those are some of my red flags that let me know I made a wrong turn somewhere along the way, and that it’s time to re-choose what I actually want to do with my time.
Ok. But how to say it?
In my experience, there is one phrase that works on so many levels for a Yesser. It is socially acceptable, easy to remember, and often requires no additional explanation from you. Truly magic!
The only problem is, if you are a true Yesser, it may not be in your vocabulary yet at all. So you may have to practice saying it a few times before it feels ok coming out of your mouth 😉
The phrase is: “I can’t.”
But wait! There’s more!
When I first started saying “I can’t”, my mind would often fight me, reminding me that what they are asking is physically possible:
“Well, you could, if you really wanted to.”
“If someone held a gun to your head, you’d figure out a way.”
or my favorite, “‘Can’t?!?’ You Can’t say ‘Can’t!!’ This is America!”
But one night, I was watching Shark Tank, a TV show where investors choose which companies they want to invest in. And one of the billionaire investors said,
“I Can’t.”
He turned down a company that he really liked because it had a few too many big red flags that concerned him. So he said,
“I just can’t invest in this product and be the disciplined investor I want to be.”
Wow!
If a billionaire can say “I can’t.” then I guess can too! I realized that every time I say “I can’t” I am putting energy toward something else. All I have to do is choose what I most want my energy to go toward in this moment and use that as my reason (whether I tell the person or not) for standing firm in my choice.
Can you babysit just for 2 hours? “I can’t. I hope you find someone!” I am getting groceries so I can eat healthy this week.
Can you wait for me after the meeting? “I can’t. I need to leave right at 5 today.” I am enjoying my home tonight.
Can you help me move on Saturday? “Sorry, I can’t. Wish you the best with it!” I am saving my energy for a hike on Sunday.
I may not always tell the person my reason, but I always take a moment to check in with my goals, values, and desires. If this choice will not move me closer to those, and if I am committed to those, well, then, the answer is simple:
I can’t!
If you’re still not convinced, well let me give you permission to say no. Really, it’s a good thing! And if you’re looking for even more ways to say no, here’s a few!
Amanda’s passion is working with women who find themselves in higher levels of leadership than they planned – needing to speak, negotiate, or sell. She shares tools to help them stay in Joy & Authenticity as they lead. You can find out more at Everyday-Light.com.